This has been a post I was hoping would come at some point. I wasn't sure when it would happen, what it would feel like, or if it was even a possibility. But it did and it was this last week.
Of course I have to apologize for the amount of posts that revolve around death and grief, but when you've just been hit with that train, you and your feelings go there before anything else. This last week, Memorial Day specifically, something happened. I received a picture from my Aunt showing me all the love my Pops, Aunt, and Great Grandmother received over the weekend at their grave-sites. (Side note, it's odd to write grave-site and think about your dad in the same sentence.) After looking at this picture and the amount of love brought to them, I lost it. I lost it just like I did when I found out he was gone, I lost it just like I did when I reached the 1-month mark, and I lost it like I think I always will. I lost it right then and there, seeing his resting place, because I've lost him.
Mike came to the rescue, hugged me and help wipe the tears, and together we both had the same stare in each others eyes thinking, "Life sucks." It wasn't far from 2-minutes after this that I got back to the stove and finished making breakfast. Right at that moment, I felt what I was hoping would come and have heard is a part of this process - I continued forward.
Friday Fav - Forward
As we get closer to the 1-year mark without my Pops around, I can't help but look around and find him in different places and things I do. My Pops cooked the best eggs. What happened during this same moment of losing it is my scrambled eggs were almost done and needed my attention. It's weird to think he was somewhere nearby in the kitchen, but I have a good feeling that he knew these eggs and the rest of the breakfast were calling my name, and he would have done the same thing. Moved forward.
Death is the hardest part of life. You might lose your job, you might total your car, and you might even go through the worst heartbreak, but to lose someone like your best friend and dad ... well there is nothing that can top that. With Father's Day around the corner, I can't help but tear up in the card section and I immediately delete any emails with mention of "Father's Day gifts" in them, but at the end of the day and this year, I'm going to do something different ... something he would do - cook the best plate of eggs you'd ever had and continue moving forward.
We never know when our road is going to stop, but we all know how to keep moving. Whether it's planning for your best summer yet, figuring out how to move yourself out of debt, or picking up the pieces after someone has passed away, keep on. Life without my Pops is starting to feel like my new reality, and while it hurts like no other, it's my life. It's my chance now and given this last week to know what moving forward feels like. It's something we all deserve to give ourselves. And without a doubt, it's something that life gives us everyday.
Have a wonderful weekend!